Tuesday, January 15, 2008

the saga continues...

This will be a long post:

Where I left off yesterday, I had just taken Courtney's number out of my phone. I was totally content with this decision.

Until the next day when I was driving through Stillwater when I really felt God burdening me for Courtney. He told me, "I still want you to talk to Courtney about this."

I told him back, "no, I don't want to."

"I want you to."

"I've already made this girl cry once (that's another story), I'm not going to do it again by bringing this to her!"

"I want you to."

At this point, I literally yelled out loud at God, "No! I'm not going to do this!"

"Yes you are."


So from there I made a couple more attempts to talk to Courtney. It was the same story as before. Finally, I decided I wasn't going to be able to ever talk to her about what God was placing on my heart. So I decided to write her a letter. It was the hardest letter I've ever written. But in it I poured out everything God had placed on my heart about her. By the time I wrote this letter, I'd had 11 dreams about Courtney (when you have that many, you start counting).

The day I mailed the letter, the dreams stopped.

I didn't see Courtney after that for over a month. I mean, I didn't see her walking across campus, I didn't see her at her sorority house, I didn't see her anywhere. At all. And I didn't see her in my dreams.

Until Finals Week. For the first time in over a month, I saw Courtney in a dream. The next day I saw her and talked to her for the first time since I mailed the letter. It was just a chance encounter on the street, with another friend present, so we didn't talk about anything. Then I went to Minnesota for the summer. And continued to dream about Courtney.

What was weird about the whole thing was that from this point on, whenever I would think about Courtney during the day, I wouldn't dream about her. When I would go a period of time without thinking about her, I would see her in my dreams. By the time I came back from the summer, I'd had 18 total dreams about her.

I still felt that God wasn't done with Courtney in my life.

The first day of school, I told my friend Nick the story about Courtney. That night I had another dream about her. In this dream, I talked to her about the letter I'd written her and basically told her that I still wanted to be friends if she was willing. What didn't register as significant at the time was that, in my dream, this conversation took place walking down Monroe Street.

The one place where I had consistently seen Courtney in the past was at a large praise and worship gathering called Overflow (Tuesdays at nine). So when I dreamed about having this conversation with Courtney, I sort of envisioned it taking place at Overflow. That's not where it happened in the dream though. I didn't even place any significance on where we were in the dream.

The morning after I had this dream, I woke up and saw Nick at breakfast. I told him about it. I said, "I'm going to talk to her today."

Nick and I headed to class, walking north down the west side of Monroe. About halfway down, Nick said that we ought to cross the street. As soon as we turned, I just laughed, and said to Nick, "look." Courtney was walking down the street on the other side. We were on a collision course. Once we crossed, Nick ended up talking with one of Courtney's friends, leaving Courtney and I to talk alone. I didn't talk about what I needed to talk to her about. Because I envisioned it happening after Overflow - despite what I saw in my dream.

That night I went to Overflow and saw her there. When the service ended, she was gone. I didn't get to talk to her.

A week later, I had another dream about her. In this dream, I saw Courtney walking down the sidewalk ahead of me, alone. I tried to catch up to her to talk. She was walking so fast I couldn't catch up.

The next morning, I was walking to class, and I saw Courtney walking, alone, just a ways ahead of me. The guy I was walking with asked "why are you walking so fast?" "I just have long legs I guess..."

That wasn't really why. I was trying to catch up. I couldn't. (At this point I think God was just telling me, "hey, listen to me all the way, don't put your twist on what I show you." Basically, he was just taunting me).

The next week, I finally got to talk to Courtney. I felt like I had fulfilled the burden God had given me.

But something still didn't feel right. I kept having dreams about her. None of the things I confronter Courtney about seemed to change in her. And where was the benefit for me in all this? I mean, shouldn't this story end up with us getting married and living happily ever after or something? 28 dreams about one person, when the next closest person had two? What was the point if there was no change in her and nothing in it for me!?!?!

Then one night I was driving through Tulsa and it all hit me what was in it for me. This whole process had taught me a lot about myself and about God. God used this to teach me how to listen to him. How to obey him. When it doesn't make sense. How to pray to him. How to be honest with him. How to trust him.

I don't know if there was ever any change in Courtney from this episode. I haven't seen her in over two years (so the whole getting married and living happily ever after thing isn't looking too likely at this point). But I know there was a change in me. And maybe that's what God was after all along.

1 comment:

Anna said...

Wow... what a story. Thank you for sharing... I will be thinking about this all day...


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